


Still, and Always

by purplejellosg1



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Episode: s08e07 Affinity, F/M, What if the conversation had gone a little different, and Sam didn't take things at face value, ie Jack wasn't so cryptic, samjackshipday
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:42:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25568437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplejellosg1/pseuds/purplejellosg1
Summary: What if the conversation in Affinity had gone just a little bit differently? Written for the SamJackShipDay prompt 'Empty'. Sam/Jack, of course. Mentions of Grace, Heroes pt 2, The Lost City, New Order, Affinity.
Relationships: Samantha "Sam" Carter/Jack O'Neill, Samantha "Sam" Carter/Pete Shanahan
Comments: 20
Kudos: 79





	Still, and Always

#

The ring box was calling to her. Even though she'd shut it in the desk draw, surrounded by folders, she couldn't forget it was there.

Calling her. Taunting her.

Asking her to choose.

So distracted was she in trying to ignore its presence, her usual Jack O'Neill radar failed to work until the man himself spoke.

"Carter."

"Sir." She looked up, a flash of guilt running through her. She didn't know why she felt guilty; she had nothing to feel guilty for. He was the one who been telling her to get a life, who'd all but encouraged her to move on.

Only… Had he?

She couldn't be sure anymore; she couldn't be sure of anything. Everything had changed so much in the space of twelve months; her hallucinations aboard the Prometheus, losing Janet, almost losing the General – twice. Being subjected to torture by Fifth…

"I never thought I'd hear myself utter these words." His voice interrupted her thoughts as he walked further into the lab. "I need that report."

Report? What report?

Startled, Sam sat up straighter. "Right. Um, I just need to finish typing up my notes…" If she could find her notes. If she could remember what report it was he wanted. She started to move a couple of the files on her desk, hoping one of them would jog her memory. "Um, yeah. I'll have it for you first thing tomorrow."

There was a note of amusement in his voice, but it did little to hide the concern in his eyes as he gazed at her. "It is tomorrow."

"Oh."

"I'm joking, I don't need the report." She looked up as he moved closer, biting her lip when she saw his brow furrow.

"Well, then, why…" Her voice trailed off, and Jack filled in the silence without hesitation.

"Because something's going on with you." And the fact he'd noticed made butterflies she'd tried to deny were still there flutter unexpectedly in her chest. "You haven't tried to confuse me with any scientific babble for the last couple of days and that's a red flag to me."

He almost sounded as though he missed it.

Thinking about it, she missed it, too. With a sigh, deciding to be honest – with herself as much as him – Sam reached into her draw and took out The Box. She couldn't help the sigh that escaped her as she handed it to him. "Pete gave me this."

She watched his expression carefully, biting back another sigh at how guarded it was. C'mon, Sir, she urged silently. Give me something.

"People normally wear these on their fingers."

"I haven't said yes yet."

"And yet, you haven't said no."

"I told him I needed to think about it."

"And?" He put the ring box down, and it sat between them on her workbench. Though it was innocuous, the diamond ring out of sight, Sam felt it as though it were a physical barrier and had to work hard to dispel the image of a force shield on a Goa'uld ship she did her best not to think about.

"That was two weeks ago."

Two long weeks. Two long weeks wherein she hadn't slept properly, weighing up the pros and cons, trying to get her heart to accept what her head told her was the logical thing.

"Ah!"

"You know, all these years I've been concentrating on work, I just assumed that one day I would…" Get my happily ever after. Not have to go home to an empty house night after night. Wake up with somebody instead of waking up alone day after day.

"Have a life?"

In the simplest of terms, "yeah. And now it comes down to it, I don't know. I mean, every time we go through the gate, we risk not coming back. Is it fair to put somebody else through that?" Even as she said it, it sounded like a feeble excuse. Even more so when he dismissed it with a shrug.

"Pete's a cop. I think he could handle it."

"What about kids?" Even as she said it, the thought of a little girl with brown eyes and curly blond hair appeared in her mind. A little girl who, try as she might to imagine otherwise, smiled at her with the O'Neill smirk.

"What about 'em?"

"Do I take maternity leave and then come back? Do I drop the baby off at day care on my way to some unexplored planet on the edge of a nebula?"

"Carter, there are people on base who have families."

"What about you?" She couldn't help but ask. "If things had been different…"

"I wouldn't be here." He looked at her for a moment more, then turned to leave.

Sam watched him, but something instead her couldn't let him leave. "Where would you be?" She spoke softly, quietly. Not sure if he'd hear, not sure if he'd acknowledge it. Not sure if she wanted him to.

Jack stopped, his back still to her for a moment. Her heart was in her throat and she thought he was going to walk away. And then he spoke, his voice as quiet as hers had been. "Do you really have to ask?"

Probably not, no. Her mind filled in the blanks and she kicked herself mentally for asking. If things had been different, he wouldn't have stepped through the Stargate the first time. He wouldn't have need to, because if things were different, he'd have had his wife and his son, maybe more children, maybe…

"I'm sorry, Sir." Something in her tone must have betrayed her thoughts; instead of walking away as she'd expected, Jack turned back to face her. "I shouldn't have –"

"If things were different, we wouldn't be having this conversation, Carter." He kept his voice quiet, his eyes locked on hers as he slowly made his way back to her work bench. "But we agreed to keep that in another room."

"In another…" Sam swallowed reflexively, glancing down for a moment at the ring box. She picked it up and put it back in its drawer, unable to stand the sight of it. "Four years ago, I didn't think –"

"It would be four years? Me neither." He shoved his hands in his pockets, a typical Jack O'Neill gesture when he was feeling uncomfortable. "But still."

It was a question she couldn't fully put into words, but one that made her heart rise in her chest and her pulse quicken. "Still?"

"Still." His gaze was soft but intense. In his eyes, for the first time in a long time, she could see everything they'd both tried to keep hidden for so long. Everything she'd thought was lost between them, or at least one sided on her part.

For a moment, neither spoke. Neither moved.

"I get it, Carter." He kept his voice soft, understanding on his face. "I get the need to not be alone, to not go home to an empty house at the end of the day. If this is what'll make you happy, you know what you need to do."

"What about you?" It was important to her, more important than she thought he realised.

"Oh, you know me. I'll be happy if you're happy, Carter. You know that." A flicker of a smile crossed over his lips, a little bittersweet, a whole lot affectionate. He gazed at her for a moment more before turning to leave.

This time, she let him go.

Contemplating his words, contemplating the ring, Sam made her decision.

#

Teal'c was back on base, Daniel was back in his office, Carter was wherever Carter was and that was something Jack decided not to dwell on. He'd heard from Daniel that she'd left the warehouse with Shanahan and no one had heard from her since. Sitting in his office, Jack re-read the same line for the fifth time and closed the file with a sigh.

He thought about the shiny diamond on its equally shiny band and tried to prepare himself for next seeing it on her finger.

He couldn't blame her; he knew what it was like, after all.

He wasn't on a frontline team anymore so didn't face the imminent danger Carter and the rest of SG-1 did on an as-regular basis but that didn't stop him from going through it with them. Every time he watched them go through the 'gate, he knew there was a chance one or all of his team wouldn't make it back. The feeling was multiplied as CO of the SGC; though he felt it to a lesser degree every time a unit under his command ventured out.

He remembered all too well the feeling of coming home to a cold, dark house after a mission, particularly when one went wrong. To lie in bed with empty arms, wishing for someone to share the long night with. He knew what it was like to wonder what the point of it all was, to question why they put themselves through it all day after day with nothing to show for it.

Carter was younger than he was, hadn't had the experiences of married life and family that he had. As much as it pained him, he couldn't blame her for wanting it.

Couldn't fault her for not being able to wait for a someday that might never get there.

"General O'Neill, Sir?" She spoke at the same time as she knocked softly on the doorframe. Jack's head shot up so fast he wondered if he'd given himself whiplash. "Do you have a moment?"

"Of course, Carter." For her, he had endless moments. Even if he suspected she was going to break what was left of his old heart. He caught himself surreptitiously trying to get a glimpse of her ring finger but she had her hands clasped together, making it impossible to see. "I heard the bad guy got away."

"Unfortunately, Sir." She hesitated by the door, motioning to it with her shoulder. "May I…?"

"Sure." Even as he watched her shut the door, he picked up a pen to keep his hands busy. "What brings you to my office this time of night?"

"I... I thought you should know first. Sir." Was it his imagination or had she paused before the word sir. He lifted his gaze to her face, noted the slight flush to her cheeks, the brightness of her blue eyes and braced himself. "I gave Pete back the ring, Sir. He's not taking the transfer to Colorado Springs."

"Congr-" He stopped himself just in time, the word hovering on the end of his tongue. "What?"

She unclasped her hands as she walked further into the office, towards his desk. His eyes were drawn to them, convinced he'd misheard and the ring would be there after all. "I gave back the ring. I couldn't... It wouldn't be fair to anyone to settle, would it? Not to Pete... or anyone?"

His heart was pounding and he couldn't stop the silly grin was quirking up the corners of his mouth. But he had to be sure... "No one would blame you, Carter. Least of all me."

"I think I'd blame myself. Sir." The pause was deliberate that time, he was sure of it. "I wanted to let you know, and to say thank you, for being there for me. Still."

The grin widened, his gaze softened. He watched she bit her lip, clearly trying to keep back a smile of her own. "Always."

#

End


End file.
